Post Partum Depression Experience

Yes, we are going there. This is a very deep and personal topic for me. My goal in sharing uncensored information about how postpartum depression, is so that people can try to imagine the daily struggle that occurs. It is one experience to read a pamphlet on the topic, but it is another experience to hear from someone who has suffered. I hope that if anyone ever feels the way that I have during PPD, that they reach out asap to a doctor and a support team/individual.

PPD looks different for each person, but the internal pain seems to be a common factor. I want to mention that I love my children VERY much, so I am in no way complaining about having them. I would go through PPD over again for either of them.

After I had my oldest child, I had PPD about a month in. I was a first time, single mother. I was not prepared for children maturity wise. My family helped me raise Bob the first three years of his life. I was very depressed and was even suicidal. I had thoughts I couldn’t stop coming in my head telling me that I am a bad mom and that I didn’t deserve children. I had thoughts telling me that I made bad decisions and I will always be a screw up. I did not get help until after my family and I went on vacation. We were at an amusement park, and we climbed stairs to reach the top of a water slide. I remember looking over the railing just to look at the park from that view. The voices came. My thoughts were telling me that I could just jump over the ledge and end my internal suffering. I felt like I was in a trance just staring at the ground below me, but I didn’t jump.

I was in the Army National Guard, and I started going to a therapist. She helped a little, but I had trust issues. Long story short, I had experience of mental, verbal, and physical abuse from past relationships, so I wasn’t exactly open to talking to someone new.

Fast forward to when I had my youngest son, Jay. I had Jay as a very happy married woman and living in an apartment with my husband and oldest son. I did not expect to have PPD the way that I did. I was fine until once again, about a month in. My doctor already had me on “watch” with my history of PPD which was good because I ended up needing help. I choose to breast feed and there were times when my milk wouldn’t come in the way I wanted it to. The voices in my head starting coming in. “You are starving him". “Why did you think you could do this?”. I tried very hard to try to remain positive and ignore these thoughts. There were times that I felt like screaming and had to hide in the bathroom for five minutes and ugly cry. I couldn’t hide for long because I had a family to take care of. A splash of water on my face and lying to myself saying “You’re fine” was a normal routine.

I kept having more and more thoughts come along and each got a little darker:

“Your kids deserve better than you”

“You are an awful mother”

“You should die and end this”

I called my doctor. I got on medication, and it started to work a little. I reached out to my family more just to talk. I joined a mother’s group online in hopes that the interaction would aid in me feeling better. I started to have fewer negative thoughts for a couple months. I had what would be defined as a panic attack when I went back to work. I was still breast feeding but I had to pump while I was at work. I couldn’t produce my normal amount of milk anymore because my job at the time had me stressed. I could not relax enough to pump. I remember crying in the closet that I had to pump in because there was barely two ounces in the bottle that I was using. I felt like a bad mom all over again. I felt guilty for going back to work and not producing the breastmilk that I wanted my son to have. Eventually, we went straight formula. My hormones were horrible transitioning from breast feeding to formula feeding. My medication later in the year got bumped up because I couldn’t stop crying and wanting to scream.

I am doing SO much better now that my youngest is almost two years old. I reached out for the help that I needed. I finally got the right medication that I needed and the emotional support that was required. Going forward, I know that I need to immediately get help when I have my next baby. I know how my body reacts and I want to take better steps in the future.

Division

8 Sept 2022 19:19

I never thought that when I became a parent, maintaining friendships would be hard. It is next to impossible to be friends with anyone outside of my immediate family, and the doordash delivery man/woman. Don't get me wrong, I have people that I care and love for but life tends to get in the way. I have often thought that maybe if I put a poster up in the yard advertising for new mom friends, I may catch one! Perhaps I should leave a bottle of wine and a promise to watch murder shows with them.

Mental Health Awareness

There are so many different mental issues in this world, and we STILL have individuals that refuse to accept it. I have some issues of my own and I am sure there are some that yet have been discovered. I am sharing this information because growing up, I always thought that no matter how I was feeling on the inside, it was best to hide it and " get over it". One could say that I "masked" my internal feelings and thoughts. I am only going to touch on my anxiety that developed more intense as time has gone on.

What am I so anxious about?

Honestly, half of the time, I have no idea. I have noticed an increase in overstimulation lately. If there is too much going on, a lot of stress, more than 1 person trying to talk to me, I begin to shut down. When it gets to be too much, my chest breaks out, I sometimes cry, and at the worst, I run into the bathroom and have a panic attack. I have an unhealthy coping method that involves picking at my arms. I get fixated on it when I am feeling like I am going to lose control. I then feel SO much guilt for now making my arms red. This would be a form of self-harm. I sadly, have been doing some kind of version of self-harm since I was ten years old. I did not speak of my issues to anyone until now in my thirties. I am supposed to get a therapist because I am sure there is trauma from incidents that I dont speak of.